#122: Field of Dreams 6/30/2015
Following advice from a disembodied voice, an Iowa farmer levels half of his cornfield to build a baseball field.
This movie is redonk. I can’t stand K-Cos & am not a sports fan so it’s not surprising that I had trouble warming up to this one but I think I would have had a hard time even without those aforementioned biases. As heartwarming as they try to make it, the whole thing is basically K-Cos having a midlife crisis, selfishly traipsing around the country putting his house, farm & family in jeopardy because a creepy whispering voice wants to help him with his daddy issues. To make his erratic actions seem more justified, the writers will have you believe that the wife & daughter are supportive & totally on board because they too have witnessed the aloof sassy ghost Ray Liotta but I’m not buying it. The only actor in this film that does truly sell it for me – James Earl Jones. His transition from fantastically snarky skepticism to
whimsical childlike wonder is not only believable but a
joy to watch. Otherwise, I’m not a fan of any movie whose moral is ‘No worries, do what you want cause a bunch of tourist sheep will save you from foreclosure’. Fun fact: according to IMDB the Voice (annoyingly listed in the credits as Himself) is Ed Harris but this is admittedly unconfirmed.
#103: Dixie Carter’s UnWorkout 3/18/2015
A series of yoga style exercises & stretches.
Following along with Dixie Carter on my cold basement floor was quite possibly one of the most bizarre experiences of my life. That woman is CRAY. She is wearing pastel pajamas in a room seemingly decorated by a grandma with atrocious taste & after she directly explains the moves she’s about to execute (continuously maintaining stalker level eye contact), her disembodied narrative voice walks you through them, all the while making creepy jokes & giving lifestyle tips. There are several cliché inspirational quote stills to soothe your soul as you downward dog along with a slow jamz-tastic soundtrack to help you get your stretch on. The craziest part: when she peer pressures you into the breathing exercise where she roars like a lion for way longer than any normal human ever could. Simmer down Ms. Sugarbaker, you are out of control!
#100: Never Too Young To Die 3/4/2015
High school gymnast Lance Stargrove joins forces with an alluring spy to track down the person responsible for his secret agent father’s death.
For my 100th! review, I present to you the film that ties for 1st place as my favorite movie OF ALL TIME. Never Too Young To Die is the most quintessential B-Movie I have ever laid eyes on. Its perfection in this genre is due to these features: 1) its outrageous & slightly confusing action packed plot 2) the valiant good guy, over the top bad guy, often scantily clad female partner/love interest, tech skilled Asian sidekick 3) off the grid compound with multitude of punk rock minions 4) tons of explosions, fast cars & motorcycles & a secret underground spy lair. And now for the actors: John Stamos is THE BEST as
the wide eyed kid who magically turns into a stealthy adversary when faced with the challenge, Gene Simmons is INDESCRIBABLY FABULOUS as Ragnar the evil overlord to the punk rockers who is plotting to poison the city’s water supply & moonlights as the stage performer Velvet at local club The Incinerator, Vanity is AMAZING as the fellow spy of Stargrove Sr now assisting Stargrove Jr & Peter Kwong CANNOT BE BEAT as Lance’s buddy who’s zany inventions & go-to attitude often save the day. (2 exciting bit parts worth mentioning: Robert Englund as Ragnar’s computer henchman & Branscombe Richmond of TVs Renegade fame as a mullety-mowhawked goon.) I could not ask for a more stellar mix of people to deliver a movie of this B-caliber. To top it off, the bulk of the film is engulfed in the infectiously fantastic song & music of ‘Stargrove’ until the credits when the epically 80s title track bursts into your ears. From what I’ve seen, this movie is the champion of all its contenders in this horribly wonderful category & I wish I could shake the hands of the geniuses who created it.
#67: Heather Locklear presents Your Personal Workout
11/11/2014
A 3 level workout of energy, power & grace to be done one after another or in any combination of the 3 – you decide!
Oh Heather, how love thee. This is a pretty decent workout tape (my abs are still totes sore, perhaps I should do these tapes less sporadically…). It is relatively easy to follow along with while at the same time keeping up a fast pace with succinct & no nonsense instruction. It made me quite happy that although Heather was wearing bright bold colors & smiling most of the time, I still felt like I was being directed (& just a little bit judged) by Amanda Woodward! What a motivator! Of all my celebrity work out tapes, this one has the worst soundtrack with some crappy stock
music & not as crappy saxophone but this was made up
for by the amazing outfits & the modern 90s style where they include a DUDE in the fitness chorus. Overall, well done Ms. Locklear!
#55: The Lost Boys 10/6/2014
After moving with his family to the coastal town of Santa Carla, a young man falls in with a very bad crowd.
So technically I didn’t watch this in my basement whilst working out but I did watch it at Raven’s house before walking the 5 miles from there to home, in 80 degree weather, most of the time carrying my score of 7 VHS videos &18 records, so I think it still counts. Anyways, this is one of my all time favorite movies for many reasons – the incredible cast, the amazing one liners (death by stereo!), the crazy clothes, the fantastic soundtrack – everything about this movie is just so awesome. I have loved Jason Patrick since I saw him in the superb after school special ‘Toughlove’ & aside
from that & Rush, this may be his best role – it utilizes
his pouty mouth perfectly. Kiefer Sutherland is at his all time hottest as the vampire gang leader with a miraculously toe headed mullet to die for. Alex Winter has very few lines in his role but he rocks a similarly sweet mullet so that kind of makes up for it. Both of the Coreys showcase their finest work & some of the most outrageous outfits of all (at one point I’m pretty sure Haim is in a mumu) & supply the majority of the comic relief. Jami Gertz is perfect as the hippie dippy woman of intrigue (I love how stoked she is at the sexy sax man show, now that’s impressive acting). Diane Wiest plays the role she plays so very well (& often) – loving but concerned mom trying to figure out how to handle her crazy kids. And of course, there’s Grandpa, with the most endearing character of all & by far the best lines. Everyone is just SO good (& for the most part super attractive, which is nice). I also think this is one of the best cinematic examples of creating the perfect mood for the setting with the location, music & attitude. The town & vampires are so nicely crafted, it makes you want to go there & hang out with them even though they are total peer pressuring jerks & you would probably have a terrible time but at least you’d be in a beautiful abandoned underground vintage hotel with pretty pretty undead people. Overall, an unbeatable feat of movie genius.
#36: Bloodsport 7/22/2014
Frank Dux attempts to honor his sensei by fighting in a brutal underground competition, against the wishes of the army & its authorities.
This movie is so bad, it’s wonderful. There’s hardly a plot, the acting is atrocious & the fight scenes are oftentimes laughable but all of this sucks you in somehow, mesmerizing you with its B Movie magic. The flashbacks of young Jean Claude Van Damme contain some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen (that is saying a lot considering my love of bad movies), the training montage where he is tied to 2 trees spread eagle nearly made me choke on my water & the ‘I love you bro’ scene at the end between him & his hulking but charming pal made me so happy I literally had to exclaim my joy (alone, in my basement… Don’t judge). Other bonus perks to this film: 1) Forest Whitaker playing a bumbling cop trying unsuccessfully to keep
Jean Claude from the competition 2) the sweet song ‘Fight to Survive’ that plays throughout most of the
movie (perfect for pacing my bike riding & fun to sing along with as they chant ‘kumatie’- the name of the competition). I’ll stop gushing & say finally that this movie is worth watching at least as many times as Jean Claude does the splits during it.
Workout VHS review #1: Cocktail
This movie is truly terrible. Tom Cruise is at his douche-baggy finest as a creepy, misogynistic, money obsessed a-hole who manages to knock up & manipulate a naive, previously self confident Elisabeth Shue. Boo! The only enjoyable part is the uncredited bar patron role played by Brenda & Brandon‘s dad in Jamaica.